Unfortunately, I've had my fair share of dealings with this and let me just tell you - it sucks. But it can get better with a little bit of work. All it takes is open lines of communication and respect for everyone involved. With those two things, the inevitable times that you piss each other off will be much easier to bear. So how do you do this you ask? Continue reading...
1. Respect her role as the Mother of her child. There should never be a moment where you call another woman's child your own (aside from calling them your step child, of course). Maybe this is something that women without children do not understand as they have never gone through being pregnant and giving birth. The connection that you feel with your baby after experiencing this is something that I could never describe to the fullest no matter how hard I tried. Be as respectful of this relationship as possible and understand that she is allowing you to be a part of something very precious to her. This does not mean that you are not allowed to love her child. She wants you to love them. Every mother's nightmare is that their child's father will marry someone awful that will be cruel to her child. Remember this and prove her fears wrong!
2. Don't talk about her on any type of social media. This should really speak for itself but I will elaborate. If you are frustrated with her, pick up the phone and call her. Don't take to social media to alleviate your frustrations. That is not fair to her and doesn't make you look very fantastic either. Remember - open lines of communication. Talk to her and work through those issues together. You may be surprised at where it takes you.
3. Understand that there are two sides to every story and that your husband/boyfriend may not be telling you the 100% truth. I will just leave it at that!
4. Don't do things behind her back. For example, if she feels that her child should not be playing a certain type of violent video game, then BACK HER UP. Allowing your step child to do this at your house when you know that they are not allowed to do it at home does nothing but create problems and open up the door to "I'll let you but you can't tell your mom" issues. Would you like to know what you are doing here? TEACHING THEM TO LIE. It is very natural for all of the parents involved in a child's life to not agree 100% on everything. So, you guys need to come together and agree on what you will allow and what you won't. Have the same rules apply to every house the child calls home and you will be saving yourself many, many, MANY unnecessary arguments.
5. Don't speak negatively of her in front of her child. This is probably one of the most disrespectful things that you could possibly do to a mother and her child.
6. If there was cheating involved, sit down and talk about it woman to woman, speak your peace, and then let it go. At the end of the day, your actions have consequences and thinking that you should not apologize for them is ridiculous. While she may be able to get over what you did to her, its going to take her longer to get over the harm you caused her child as breakups/divorce are sometimes more painful to the children involved than it is the actual couple. So, sit down and work it out. Ignoring the problem will not make it go away and tends to result in bitterness. The end goal here is to create something positive from the situation so that the child will not have to suffer any more. Remember, the little one is an innocent bystander in all of this.
7. Let go of what you have been told about her and start getting to know her yourself. Develop your own opinions about her and stop being influenced by others. She may not be as bad as you think. I'm not saying that she has to be your best friend. You both just need to learn that the other shouldn't be "enemy number one."
8. Understand that she honestly does not want your husband/boyfriend back (Now, I can't speak for all women here as this may be a possibility for some BUT don't go straight to that assumption. I'd be willing to bet that there are more lady's out there that are now in a happier place and feel nothing for your significant other than the later!). I have always said that everything in life that comes to an end has done so for a purpose and I fully believe it to be very true. All a mother wants is what is best for her child. She may not have any behind the scenes motives for calling your husband. It may come as a shock to you, but she may quite possibly just want to discuss her child and the problems she is currently experiencing. It really is that simple and, if you are going to be in her life long term, she just wants your help in making that happen.
Of course, these suggestions are only going to work if you have two willing parties to participate. At some point, everyone has to just put on their big girl and boy panties and realize that the past is the past. We can't change it or do anything about it but accept what has happened, apologize, and move on (this means you too, my fellow baby mamas!). This is crucial in creating a happy environment for the babies!
Just remember that she doesn't understand the things that you do anymore that you understand her so TALK, TALK, TALK, AND TALK SOME MORE. Don't text or e-mail your problems. Go to lunch or pick up the phone. I can not express how important being open and honest with each other will become.
If you try all of these things and you are still getting nowhere with her? Unfortunately, she is in fact being difficult and does not want to work anything out with you. This is a really sad reality for her child as this only makes their world harder. All you can do is keep the child's best interest in mind and do your best to do the right thing. Focus on being the bigger person and minimize the arguments and difficult situations.
Good luck!
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